I Can Do Hard Things...

That is the theme of my life lately, something I have to repeat to myself frequently, that I CAN do hard things. I think I really realized this after giving birth. It was so hard but I did it, and I am almost back to normal again. I had my 6 week check up on Wednesday, I am not completely healed but I am close. This week has been really hard, tiring, and emotional. On Monday and Tuesday, Jackson wanted to eat ALL. DAY. LONG. I was so tired and sore (plus I was sick) and on Tuesday night I just cried and finally had to give Jackson to Jon to get him to sleep. I felt so bad because Jon had worked all day and gone to class, I know he was beat. But my body was done with feeding and needed a rest. Jackson likes to nurse a LOT before bedtime. I felt like the worst mother in the world the next day.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday to try to get rid of my cold, and now poor Jackson is sick. He was so out of it yesterday and was just not himself. He hardly nursed and slept all day- Jackson is usually really alert and hardly sleeps during the day compared to most newborns. His sickness has been the worst at night, he is so congested and sounds like he can't breathe. Well it was really bad the other night and then he started to get a cough. Jon gave him a blessing and the next morning (Thursday) I called the doctor to see if I should come in. Since he didn't have a fever they said to just keep an eye on him. Well last night it was really bad and Jon and I said a prayer and were just so worried. We both decided this morning he needed to go to the doctor. I got him in as soon as I could get an appointment.

I really didn't want to drive the long drive to be told there is nothing they could do, but I figured it was worth the peace of mind to know if it was just a cold. At first I thought they were going to say, it is just a cold. His ears and lungs were clear but they tested him and he came back negative for flu and positive for RSV. I had a feeling he had RSV but then I also thought he didn't. He has to do breathing treatments and for now has avoided the hospital. It has been so so so hard. Jon and I both are just so sad and heartbroken for Jackson.  We can't bear to leave his side. I just lay by him and hold his hand while he sleeps. He sounds pitiful. He has been such an amazing and strong guy. He has hardly cried and is content but also very lethargic. He doesn't wiggle and look around at everything like normal. It is scary to see because he has totally changed in the last 2 days. It is so frightening, even though I know RSV is common.

My love for Jackson grows everyday but has multiplied now that he is sick. I want to take away all of his pain and do whatever I can to help him. I keep thinking about how much Heavenly Father wants to take away our pain and help us. Sometimes I feel angry at God because I suffer and he seems to watch in silence. I bet Jackson feels the same way, that he is suffering and we aren't helping. But little does he know how much we love him and want nothing but the best for him. I know that God loves us even more so and is always mindful of us, even if we don't feel it or recognize it all of the time. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Jon gave me a blessing on Monday that said Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I have to keep repeating this to myself. God does know us and care about us. I am trying so hard to submit to his will and use this experience to better myself. And hopefully soon, our sweet boy will be back to normal.