I Can Do Hard Things...

That is the theme of my life lately, something I have to repeat to myself frequently, that I CAN do hard things. I think I really realized this after giving birth. It was so hard but I did it, and I am almost back to normal again. I had my 6 week check up on Wednesday, I am not completely healed but I am close. This week has been really hard, tiring, and emotional. On Monday and Tuesday, Jackson wanted to eat ALL. DAY. LONG. I was so tired and sore (plus I was sick) and on Tuesday night I just cried and finally had to give Jackson to Jon to get him to sleep. I felt so bad because Jon had worked all day and gone to class, I know he was beat. But my body was done with feeding and needed a rest. Jackson likes to nurse a LOT before bedtime. I felt like the worst mother in the world the next day.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday to try to get rid of my cold, and now poor Jackson is sick. He was so out of it yesterday and was just not himself. He hardly nursed and slept all day- Jackson is usually really alert and hardly sleeps during the day compared to most newborns. His sickness has been the worst at night, he is so congested and sounds like he can't breathe. Well it was really bad the other night and then he started to get a cough. Jon gave him a blessing and the next morning (Thursday) I called the doctor to see if I should come in. Since he didn't have a fever they said to just keep an eye on him. Well last night it was really bad and Jon and I said a prayer and were just so worried. We both decided this morning he needed to go to the doctor. I got him in as soon as I could get an appointment.

I really didn't want to drive the long drive to be told there is nothing they could do, but I figured it was worth the peace of mind to know if it was just a cold. At first I thought they were going to say, it is just a cold. His ears and lungs were clear but they tested him and he came back negative for flu and positive for RSV. I had a feeling he had RSV but then I also thought he didn't. He has to do breathing treatments and for now has avoided the hospital. It has been so so so hard. Jon and I both are just so sad and heartbroken for Jackson.  We can't bear to leave his side. I just lay by him and hold his hand while he sleeps. He sounds pitiful. He has been such an amazing and strong guy. He has hardly cried and is content but also very lethargic. He doesn't wiggle and look around at everything like normal. It is scary to see because he has totally changed in the last 2 days. It is so frightening, even though I know RSV is common.

My love for Jackson grows everyday but has multiplied now that he is sick. I want to take away all of his pain and do whatever I can to help him. I keep thinking about how much Heavenly Father wants to take away our pain and help us. Sometimes I feel angry at God because I suffer and he seems to watch in silence. I bet Jackson feels the same way, that he is suffering and we aren't helping. But little does he know how much we love him and want nothing but the best for him. I know that God loves us even more so and is always mindful of us, even if we don't feel it or recognize it all of the time. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Jon gave me a blessing on Monday that said Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I have to keep repeating this to myself. God does know us and care about us. I am trying so hard to submit to his will and use this experience to better myself. And hopefully soon, our sweet boy will be back to normal.

The Blizzard

So we had us an old-fashioned North Carolina blizzard this week. We got about 8 inches of snow and some ice. They were calling for a loss of power in some areas, but luckily we didn't lose power (although I thought it would be fun to lose power for a day, but I think it would have been challenging with a newborn). It actually was a real snow storm, especially for here. It shut everything down for a few days. Jon got out early on Tuesday and had class cancelled that night. He was out for the rest of the week. It has been fun being snowed in together for a few days. Jon got a little stir-crazy after the second day, but I have gotten used to staying home now since Jackson has been born. We have had a lot of fun and enjoyed our time together. Jon also had a lot of fun digging our neighbors out of the snow (after getting a good laugh first).

Jackson's first bottle- he took it like a champ

Jon made some pitas with tzatziki sauce while we were snowed in 

we judged the amount of snow we recieved based on how high it was on the birdhouses

 

Jon built a snow family while Jackson and I stayed warm inside (if you look closely I am the snow-woman holding a baby on the left and Jon is the snow-man on the right with the dog Callie by his side)

Jon convinced me to go for a drive in the snow

slush which later turned to ice

In other news, Jon says the most random things, I love it. This morning when he asked if I was going to eat breakfast and I said I wasn't hungry yet, he said "but we have steak and cheese.'


We took these dumb surveys on Buzzfeed and when I asked Jon what he was going to pick for his favorite TV show he said "The Office, either that or Army Wives....what the heck."

Anyway, that is all for now. I am ready for spring!

The First Few Weeks

Today I am blogging with a sweet baby boy sleeping on my chest. I am still in bed and it is after 10:30 am. I haven't showered yet and I need to do laundry. This is so much different than the old me who used to just rush around all the time.

I have been wanting to write about life as a new mom- I don't want to forget any of it! Being a mom has been hard, amazing, full-filling, an emotional roller-coaster, a dream come-true, etc... The first week was definitely the hardest. For some reason (hormones) I guess, I felt like crying all the time. I am glad I had my mom and Jon here most of that time because I could barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. It is so hard to try to take care of someone so tiny when you are still recovering yourself. I don't know how people with more than one kid do it. I had flash-back dreams (or nightmares) of labor and delivery. I also kept picturing myself accidentally dropping Jackson or somehow unintentionally hurting him. I am sure this happens to a lot of new moms, but I felt completely incompetent. I was so scared and anxious but also full of happiness and love. The first week was the most intense for sure.


 But the first week wasn't all bad- I don't want it to sound like it was miserable or terrible. It was wonderful having my baby home and having our family together. It was awesome spending time with my mom and seeing her care for me and Jackson. It was a really fun and relaxing week. I loved getting to know my baby boy better. I felt an overwhelming love for him when we had him circumcised because I hated seeing him suffer. I have grown to love him so much more everyday.



It has been hard being housebound but also nice because I don't feel like going anywhere. I have gotten out a few times while Jon has stayed home with the baby. That has saved me so much. I even went to sacrament meeting last Sunday while Jon stayed home with Jackson. Everyone was so shocked to see me there, but I really needed it. We are not supposed to take Jackson out for a few weeks due to flu season. We have gone on a few family walks which has been awesome!! We figure walking is okay to do with the baby, because he won't be around people and germs.



Well flash forward to now....it has been almost 3 weeks. I feel like I am really recovering and doing much better. To be 100% honest, I hated breastfeeding at first. It was awkward, painful, and I just wanted to sleep and recover from labor. Yes, I was selfish. It still is painful and I somewhat dread it, but I have also grown to love it in a way. I love how it helps me bond with my son. I love how it forces me to rest and relax. I love realizing how the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth continue even post-birth. I have the ability to feed and care for my baby using my body- that is a pretty amazing gift. I know some people choose not to breastfeed and that is totally fine, I can understand why. I am going to keep going with it and I hear it will get better. I am also going to try pumping soon so Jon can feed Jackson sometimes too. We have been using cloth diapers for about a week now and I love them. They are so cute and easy to use, plus they will save us a fortune. My sister-in laws sent us a ton of cloth diapering stuff which has been a HUGE help!



Well Jackson sure has grown and changed a lot already. He is already outgrowing some of his newborn clothes- he is a tall and skinny guy. At first he had a cry that was more of a growl but he has more of a real cry now, although it is pretty quiet. He is such a good and happy baby so far. He rarely cries and is easy to soothe. My only complaint is that he goes through moments where he just wants to eat for what feels like hours on end. It hurts and leaves me feeling worn out. But usually after those times he sleeps for a long time which gives me a nice break. He has had a few nights where he slept about 5 hours which I think is pretty amazing!





Jackson has smiled since day one but has been smiling more and more lately- I guess he is experimenting with his mouth. He still doesn't smile at anything specific but I think that will come soon. He has been alert since day one but really can focus in and follow voices better now. He can kick like crazy and roll himself to the side just from wiggling so much. He has been spitting up a ton lately- it is more like vomit. He never seems upset though, so I assume it is okay. He has a really goopy left eye- Jon researched it and we think it is a clogged tear duct. We are cleaning it daily in hopes that it will unclog itself. Lately Jackson has struggled to fall asleep at times. He either has to fall asleep nursing or laying on my chest. Jon can get him to sleep by bouncing him but not me. Although today I put him to sleep in the swing! But he woke up as soon as I tried moving him to his bassinet. I have been putting him on my chest the past few days when he is gassy or upset and he falls asleep. It is the sweetest. He gets the worst gas sometimes and this is when he cries the most. He does not like bath time and this is when he also cries a lot. He used to cry every time we change his clothes or diaper but he is getting better with this. Jackson is a very calm and happy baby with a lot of wiggles. He rarely cries except when he needs something and he is easy to soothe.



I am trying to savor and enjoy every moment, even the hard ones. I know time flies and I will miss all of this so much. I am already dreading the teething days but I am trying to remain hopeful that we will survive. Jackson looks and acts so much like his daddy already. It has made my love for Jon grow so much, seeing this mini-version of him and seeing how much Jon cares for him. It is truly a special thing. We have been adjusting really well to this big change and are working together as a team. We have laughed through all of the times our baby has peed on or spit up on us, himself, and our bed. Laughing really has made it much less stressful. We sure do love our sweet baby boy.

Elder Simkins was SO excited to meet Jackson. He was in our area for my entire pregnancy and got transferred out last week.