It is difficult to put a post like this into words. I am writing it more for my own benefit than for others to read. The way I get things out is by writing. So here I go.
Fifteen years ago yesterday is the anniversary of my brother's death. It is something that a lot of people don't know about because I don't talk about it much. I don't mind talking about it at all, in fact sometimes I want to talk about it more, but I find it makes people uncomfortable. Nathan was the middle child, the youngest of the 3 boys. Nathan loved to swim, run, play guitar, hunt, and take things apart/build things. Ever since I can remember, Nathan was tinkering with electronics. He even made a doorbell for his bedroom once. Nathan also restrung the guitar he had so that Valerie could play it left handed and even taught her how to play. Nathan loved music, especially bands like Oasis and Nirvana. He and my brothers used to jam in the garage, with Brian on the drums and Cameron singing. Nathan also loved remote control airplanes and rockets and would build his own. Nathan was so passionate about everything. Even his lessons for Family Home Evening were exciting- he would do crazy fire drills where we had to escape and he would place a blanket indicating where the fire was. He would also teach us how to use a fire extinguisher and teach spiritual lessons using jeopardy games he made up. He was so excited about life.
Nathan like to tease me (it runs in the family). He was pretty relentless and I spent a lot of time crying because of things he and my other brothers did and said. I still think this is a big reason why I am so sensitive today. However Nathan also was the brother who spent the most time with Valerie and I. He would play "tornado" with us and taught us how to shoot guns. Everyone loved Nathan. He worked at the local IGA and once carried my friend out the car when his mom jokingly said she needed help with her groceries. He was popular and was nice to everyone. He played the saxophone in the high school band. He also did cross country, wrestling, swimming, 4-H, and scouts. He had a pet ball python that always got loose in our house. Nathan had a raspy voice, like mine but more so. I love listening to old tapes of him reading- he loved the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephite books.
Even though I have lived longer without my brother than with him, I miss him so very much. Time does help heal the pain but it never takes it away. Sometimes it just hurts like crazy and nobody except the Savior will ever know exactly how I feel. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The hardest part comes because nobody in my life presently (other than family) knew Nathan. Most of my roommates and good friends don't really know about him. I love going back to Indiana and reminiscing on old times, because that is where I grew up and where Nathan lived his whole life.
I am so grateful for this trial, it has made me value my family tremendously. I am a stronger person because of what I have gone through. I have learned forgiveness, patience, gratitude, and love. I try to never take anything for granted.
Here are some oldies but goodies!
Nathan had to wear an eye patch to correct a slight lazy eye. I love it!
St. Louis Temple Open House, long before we moved to Missouri.
Last picture taken of Nathan-sitting on my dad's lap. :)
Look how cute we are! I found that little dress I am wearing in our attic last week.
Our backyard view...CORN!
photo booth
I love this picture of us. Val and I look like twinners.
Dog Pile!