It is difficult to put a post like this into words. I am writing it more for my own benefit than for others to read. The way I get things out is by writing. So here I go.

Fifteen years ago yesterday is the anniversary of my brother's death. It is something that a lot of people don't know about because I don't talk about it much. I don't mind talking about it at all, in fact sometimes I want to talk about it more, but I find it makes people uncomfortable. Nathan was the middle child, the youngest of the 3 boys. Nathan loved to swim, run, play guitar, hunt, and take things apart/build things. Ever since I can remember, Nathan was tinkering with electronics. He even made a doorbell for his bedroom once. Nathan also restrung the guitar he had so that Valerie could play it left handed and even taught her how to play. Nathan loved music, especially bands like Oasis and Nirvana. He and my brothers used to jam in the garage, with Brian on the drums and Cameron singing. Nathan also loved remote control airplanes and rockets and would build his own. Nathan was so passionate about everything. Even his lessons for Family Home Evening were exciting- he would do crazy fire drills where we had to escape and he would place a blanket indicating where the fire was. He would also teach us how to use a fire extinguisher and teach spiritual lessons using jeopardy games he made up. He was so excited about life.

Nathan like to tease me (it runs in the family). He was pretty relentless and I spent a lot of time crying because of things he and my other brothers did and said. I still think this is a big reason why I am so sensitive today. However Nathan also was the brother who spent the most time with Valerie and I. He would play "tornado" with us and taught us how to shoot guns. Everyone loved Nathan. He worked at the local IGA and once carried my friend out the car when his mom jokingly said she needed help with her groceries. He was popular and was nice to everyone. He played the saxophone in the high school band. He also did cross country, wrestling, swimming, 4-H, and scouts. He had a pet ball python that always got loose in our house. Nathan had a raspy voice, like mine but more so. I love listening to old tapes of him reading- he loved the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephite books.

Even though I have lived longer without my brother than with him, I miss him so very much. Time does help heal the pain but it never takes it away. Sometimes it just hurts like crazy and nobody except the Savior will ever know exactly how I feel. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The hardest part comes because nobody in my life presently (other than family) knew Nathan. Most of my roommates and good friends don't really know about him. I love going back to Indiana and reminiscing on old times, because that is where I grew up and where Nathan lived his whole life.

I am so grateful for this trial, it has made me value my family tremendously. I am a stronger person because of what I have gone through. I have learned forgiveness, patience, gratitude, and love. I try to never take anything for granted.

Here are some oldies but goodies!

 Nathan had to wear an eye patch to correct a slight lazy eye. I love it!

 St. Louis Temple Open House, long before we moved to Missouri.

 Last picture taken of Nathan-sitting on my dad's lap. :)

 Look how cute we are! I found that little dress I am wearing in our attic last week.

 Our backyard view...CORN!

 photo booth

 I love this picture of us. Val and I look like twinners.

 Dog Pile!

If I Had A Nickle

If I had a nickle for every time I have been asked when we are going to have children, I would be a wealthy woman. I really don't mind at all, but I do think that is a pretty personal question to ask someone and I generally never ask it. When I was single people always asked who I was dating and when I might FINALLY get married. A lot of times people said it like I was purposefully putting off marriage or said "you are just too picky." It was frustrating at times, but I never let people's comments get to me. And literally since the day we got married, I feel like everyone asks us when we are going to start having children.

Of course we want children- a lot of them and are planning for the future constantly. But we are also living in the moment, enjoying each day as it comes. And right now that brings me to fall. (sorry for my brief but polite rant :) )

It is beautiful outside!! I never grew up thinking much about fall but since we got married in the fall it has a special place in my heart now. I am trying not to let the looming cold weather get me down, because it is glorious outside now. The leaves are perfect and I love everything fall now like never before: apples, pumpkin, cider, crunchy leaves. I am really embracing fall this year and loving it.

Look at the beautiful colors! This is from our honeymoon in the Smoky Mountains

 Last fall in the Smoky Mountains on our honeymoon-cutie pie

This year-our hike to up the gorge-beautiful leaves!

What is your favorite season? I'd have to say mine is summer, I love HOT swimming weather!

Memory Lane

A few weeks ago Jon, my mom, and I went to Kentucky to see my mom's side of the family and celebrate my grandparents birthday. My grandpa turned 82 and my grandma turned 67. I know, big age difference but they were married later in life so it isn't that weird. The fact that my grandma is only 10 years older than my mom is the weird part-but its her stepmom don't worry, my grandma didn't give birth at age 10. Sheesh, I am way off topic.

Anyway, while in Kentucky, I decided Jon and I could slide on up to Indiana to see my place of birth and see Jon's brother's family. We ended up doing a lot of driving in a few days but it was worth it. I didn't get to see any of my friends from Indiana because we didn't have much time. I was very sad about that. And now for the best part, pictures: (ps, I feel like Jon and I have spent half of our marriage/engagement driving in a car).

 The wonderful town of Oxford-population: small, landscape: flat. I lived here ages 6-12.

 The house my family built in Oxford. I remember this used to be one big corn field.

 Nathan's tree, I was cleaning the plaque.

 Mandi, this is for you: classic foot shot.

 Truman and Nathan, I couldn't find balloons or flowers to take, but I did deliver some rocks.

 My old elementary school-it isn't used anymore. My name used to hang in the gym from my championship basketball team. It was a proud moment back in 6th grade....

 The branch building I attended most of my life. I was SO sad we couldn't go to church there on Sunday.

 Make-Up attack! Reagan's face is priceless.

 We had just watched The Lorax and Lauren was imitating him flying. Loved that movie!

 Lauren, Brooke, Jon, Me, Reagan, and Abi. :)

My grandparents sharing their birthday as usual. My grandpa is starting to show his age a lot and said, "this might be the last time I see you." It broke my heart a little. He is in great health physically, he is just losing his senses a bit mentally. He is still doing great though!

And we are just a day away from our year anniversary!! (well considering today is basically over)
I cannot believe it has been a year!

You Know You are OLD

I have been thinking a lot about things that make me feel old and adult-like. I started noticing some of these when I graduated high school and went to college. Now I just feel ancient. Here are some of the things that used to make me feel old:

• having a job
• buying my own groceries
• having a debit card
• paying rent
• paying bills
• being in college 
• buying a car/getting a loan
• having my own insurance
• paid vacations/sick days

These things seem like no big deal to me now. Here are things that make me feel super old now:

• Knowing I graduated from high school SEVEN years ago
• Knowing I graduated from college FOUR years ago
• Being married for almost a year
• Buying a house and paying a mortgage 
• Seeing kids I used to babysit being teenagers/going to college
• My body hurts all the time-my knees creak every time I use the stairs -I know some of you might laugh,but a lifetime of sports has aged me :)
• My hobby is working in the garden
• Being ready for bed by 9pm, trying to be brave and make it to 10 since it is the weekend
• Everyone constantly asking me when I am going to have a baby...umm hello, since when did I stop being 16?! 
• Going to YM/YW activities, not as a youth but as a leader (well Jon is a leader but I have to help sometimes. 

 I'm sure I have more to come...these are just on my mind right now. Please somebody make me five years old again.

We Do Fun Things...Sometimes

Since we have been lame and haven't updated, I decided I will do a photo overload for your personal enjoyment. Here are some pictures from our summer! Pictures are more exciting than posts with words, right!? More to come soon...

                                    Yes there is white water rafting out east...West Virginia!!

                                                       the turtle face strikes again....

                                                  First day of school, year three as el Profe.

                                                            I wanted to swim with this bear!

                                                  Memphis Zoo with my sister and Jessi.

                                        Pure joy! Jessi scaring Grampa with alligator noises.

                                          an oldie but a goodie. I love this picture of Jon!

Recent Hapenins

I have been meaning to post about this for several weeks now, and I'm just now getting around to it (¡Sorry!). Janet and I went out to visit Brian and Mandy in the beginning of June for Hali´s dance recital (she did soooo well!). We had tons of fun. We spent a lot of time playing with the kids, went to a frozen yogurt place called frogs, Brian made some awesome bbq, we watched some youtube videos, and I got makeup attacked by Janet, Milaya, and Janet. It´s basically a given that they will do that every time. Here are some pics from that trip.

 Sorry... I post a lot of pictures. I think these are all sooo cute, so I want to share them all.


Also, the last few days have been super eventful. Janet and I went and saw Coldplay on July 3rd (so freaking radical!!!). The openers weren't that great (the first band was okay but the second was ridiculously stupid... it was a girl named Robyn or something) but Coldplay rocked the house. We got these wristbands that lit up and they controlled them during a few songs in the show. They are a very high energy band and they performed super well. Chris Martin danced around a lot and you could tell he absolutely loves performing. Then July 4th we stayed in bed watching Prison Break until noon, which was nice and relaxing, went grocery shopping and got stuff for dinner and made it (kebabs and angel food cake with festive toppings), and then we went to a baseball game with fireworks. Janet also put together some homemade frozen meals which look awesome (we will probably post more about it later). Anyway, here are some pics...

Note Janet's festive colors. I felt left out and lame (I almost wore an Olympic Mexico shirt that I got a couple weeks ago with her, but then I decided that wouldn't be wise) so I put on more festive colors to match her as well. She is so gorgeous!